Isn't it interesting that, in talking about getting older, we end up talking about when we were very young? Necessary for comparison I guess.
My father was rather hands-off when I was a child so I didn't always see the great affection and respect he had for me while growing up. Unfortunately my mother suffered from depression (confirmed by her oldest friend after I was an adult) during my formative years and she was the primary parent. It didn't help that I, too, suffered from depression from a very young age (seen only in retrospect as it wasn't discussed much less diagnosed at that time). There were times when the depression built into rage in me and my mother was the witness of that which didn't endear me to her so we were never close. As a result, I felt "unparented" a lot of the time as I was growing up. My siblings all seemed to get in a lot of (minor) trouble so got attention from our parents. I was the "good" girl for the most part, other than my rages as a young child. As a teen, when my mother needed surgery, I was the one who stepped in and cared for the family and for her while she recuperated. In its own way, doing so was empowering - I learned early that I could do adult things well.
But I skipped over a lot of my youth as a result. I don't remember ever feeling like a carefree young adult. I took everything very seriously and didn't dare experiment much. I became a reactor instead of an actor in my own life. And, as Chataround said, not making a decision is the same as making a decision. Too often I didn't make decisions while I waited for life to unfold. When I did make decisions they were often too rash, made out of desperation caused by untreated depression, with undesired results. To this day, I struggle with each decision I make, wondering if I'm acting or reacting and whether I'm giving too much or too little consideration.
When all is said and done, though, I arrived at this place I'm in now and it's good! If I hadn't made rash decisions, if I hadn't waited for life to show me the way, if I hadn't suffered from depression and my mother before me, I wouldn't be where I am today and I'm in a very good place. Could it be better? Only in ways over which I have no control. I wish for my DH to not have chronic pain, first and foremost. (His doctor has encouraged medical cannabis for him since it's legal in our state so perhaps there is hope.) Lately I wish for a world that is less scary, filled with less turmoil and uncertainty. I think the latter is partly a reflection of my age. I'm beginning to think I'm not as resilient to change as I once was.
One thing that I haven't been able to throw off as I age is my tendency to procrastinate but I'm coming to understand the nature of my procrastination. I put off those things which cause anxiety in me because I'm not certain of how to do them. Since generalized anxiety has been a feature of my lifelong depression, anything which causes anxiety sends up red flags in me and avoidance is my natural reaction. Of course, procrastination means that I just have to face my fear another day so I just extend my anxiety. Now, this may all seem very obvious but it's just become crystal clear to me over the past few months! I have procrastinated on something that long and this is the day that I face my fears and anxiety and tackle the job at hand. I do so with trepidation since I don't know what effect my procrastination may have had. Perhaps none. Hopefully I can do the onerous tasks I've put off for so long and that will be the end of that. Wish me luck?